


I've Got You by a Thread

by normalfault



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Future Fic, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Intrusive Thoughts, M/M, Mental Health Issues, One Shot, Psych Ward, Self-Destruction, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, akaashi is a mom, nervous breakdown, this is dark fair warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-06-28
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:27:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24955318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/normalfault/pseuds/normalfault
Summary: It ends how it started: shyly, unsure, afraid. That seemed to just be the fate that Iwaizumi and Oikawa had been given by the universe - they were built to fall apart over and over again.--Iwa suffers from mental illness, and no one notices until they have to
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 6
Kudos: 243





	I've Got You by a Thread

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE read the tags for trigger warnings! this fic is dark, it includes intrusive suicidal thoughts, self-deprecation, low self-worth and depressive thoughts
> 
> title inspired by the song Banana Bread by Cavetown

It ends how it started: shyly, unsure, afraid. That seemed to just be the fate that Iwaizumi and Oikawa had been given by the universe - they were built to fall apart over and over again. Iwa couldn’t take it anymore. He couldn’t keep doing this. He had spent late nights pulling out hair, picking at his skin until it bled - willing Oikawa to  _ not notice, please don’t notice, I’m fine. I’m fine _ . He’s catching on though. It’s harder and harder for Iwa to keep it to himself. 

“...Iwa-chan?” Oikawa is nervous. They’re not at either of their apartments, which is rare. They rarely go out in public anymore.  _ He hates being out with you _ . “Is everything ok?”

Iwa blinks. Swallows. He looks down at the table and wills himself not to cry. He’s not an easy crier; he had been known by his team to have a will of steel, breaking bones without shedding tears. “This isn’t working.” Iwa manages to get out, steady. He breathes in, breathes out, and forces himself to look at Oikawa. The sight breaks his heart: Oikawa’s confusion, and betrayal. 

“Hajime…” Oikawa is taken aback, shocked. He hadn’t been expecting this, probably because Iwa hadn’t really shown any signs of being interested in the idea until now. Not being together, that is. Oikawa continues to stare at him. “Did I...did I do something wrong?” 

Iwa doesn’t answer; he doesn’t mean to be cliche, but ‘it’s not you, it's me’ is the only thing he can think to say.  _ It is me. I’m falling apart. I can’t keep doing this. _ Iwa repeats the mantra over and over in his head. He wasn’t good for Oikawa, who was meant to change the world of volleyball forever. Oikawa was brilliant, and Iwa was short-tempered, ill-willed and bad. He was just intrinsically bad.  _ Something is wrong with me _ . Iwa sighs, rubbing at his eyes and standing up. “I’m sorry,” Iwa tells him.  _ I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. _ “I’ll drop off your clothes later this week.”

“That’s it?” Oikawa hisses. He’s using his angry voice - the one normally saved for when he was actually mad, not doing his bullshit act kinda thing. Iwa winces. “That’s fucking it, Iwaizumi?” Shit, Iwa curses himself internally. His full name? He hadn’t heard that from Oikawa in years. 

“I said I was sorry-”

“I don’t wanna  _ hear _ that. It is absolute bullshit, Hajime.” Oikawa’s eyes are so wide, brimming with tears. Iwa has made him cry way too many fucking times; he was absolutely worthless.  _ Disgusting. Vile. _ “Tell me what the fuck is going on, right now.” Iwa rubs at his wrist. 

“This just  _ isn’t  _ working out,” Iwa pushes back his chair. “It’s not your fault, alright? It’s my fault. I’m sorry, Oikawa. I just can’t do this.” He rushes out of the restaurant before Oikawa can stop him.

\-- two months before the break up --

“Iwa-chaaaan,” Oikawa whines, throwing himself on top of Iwa at his computer. He presses against Iwa’s cheeks insistently, and Iwa rolls his eyes before turning around. “Can you get the knots out of my shoulder? Pleaaaase?” 

“Wait until I’m done with work,” Iwa mutters, turning back to the glowing screen with a fervor.  _ Just do it now, he’s going to leave you _ . Iwa grimaces, pressing at his temples. That stupid fucking voice had been on him for a month, never letting him have one minute of peace. It was driving him crazy. 

“Everything ok?” Oikawa frowns, pressing the back of his hand to Iwa’s forehead. “You seem kinda out of it.”

“Just have a headache,” Iwa promises him.  _ You’re cracking. He’s going to know you’re a freak, and he’ll leave. _ “I’ll get off work early tonight, ok? I just have to finish this up.”

“So good to me, Iwa-chan!” Oikawa murmurs, pressing a kiss into his hairline. Iwa takes a deep breath and tries to get back to work, but it is impossible to focus. He googles “why is the voice in my head so mean to me”, and the results come back inconclusive. Suicide hotline. Mental health services. He doesn’t have a fucking mental illness - he’s not crazy.  _ Aren’t you, though? _ He closes his work laptop, pinching the skin on his arm hard and the thoughts lessen for a second. 

\-- a week after that --

“Hey, Iwaizumi?” Akaashi is one of his coworkers at his firm, a higher up. They were still friends, oftentimes walking home together and spending lonely weekends while their boyfriends played volleyball in some neighboring country in each other’s company. “I got an alert at one of your company google searches.” Iwa tries to wrack his brain for what he typed in, but he comes up empty.  _ Useless, dumbass, idiot _ . “I’m concerned for your health.”

“...My health?” Iwa asks, frowning and fiddling with his thumbs. He pictures himself in the shower later, scratching at his thighs until they bleed. He takes a deep breath. “I’m fine, Akaashi. Thank you for your concern.” 

“If you ever need anyone to talk to, please reach out.” Akaashi’s eyes press into him, and Iwa gulps at the attention.  _ He knows. You let him know. You’re a freak, and he knows _ . “I could tell Oikawa if-”

“No!” Iwa says quickly. He clears his throat, silenced by his sudden outburst. “Sorry um...don’t tell Oikawa. He’s got a lot to focus on right now.”

“Iwaizumi, I’m sure he would be helpful if he knew,” Akaashi argues with him, but it’s gentle. “Consider it, okay?”

“I will.” Iwa promises him, grateful for the conversation to drop. He doesn’t talk to Akaashi tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the next. Or-

\-- four days after the break up --

Iwa hasn’t left his bed since he got home from the restaurant. Oikawa hasn’t called him. Oikawa hasn’t reached out.  _ He hates you. He hates you. You piece of shit. _ Iwa buries himself into his pillow and chokes out a sob.  _ Crying again? Pathetic. Disgusting. _ He can’t get up - even if he wanted to, he doesn’t see a reason for it, anyways. 

Iwa told his office he’d be sick for a while. He ignored calls from Akaashi, from Sugawara (who must have heard from Oikawa), from Hanamaki and Kindaichi. He didn’t deserve them. Couldn’t, considering how terrible he was.  _ You never should’ve let yourself know them in the first place _ . Iwa stared at his phone, watching it vibrate again. It was better this way, to let himself just have these few days. He would get back to it after.

How had he gotten like this? His body shook in his bed, but he wasn’t cold or anything like that. Maybe he had a fever? Maybe he was sick? He should eat something.  _ No, you don’t need to do that.  _ He should call Oikawa. He reached his hand towards the bedside table, willing himself to grab his phone. It’s vibrating again, and when he looks at the name across he throws it across the room. Oikawa had called him. Why?  _ You don’t deserve him. Even now he’s burdened with you _ . Iwa is so tired. He throws the covers over his head and closes his eyes.

\-- three months before the break up --

The first time Iwa hears it, he’s waking up next to Oikawa in his apartment. It’s a quiet morning - Oikawa doesn’t have practice today, so he gets to sleep in. Iwa had been waiting for this, a chance to show Oikawa how much he meant to him. Iwa pushes Oikawa’s bangs away from his eyes and smiles at how unruly his hair was. Iwa came off as harsh, but Oikawa was the love of his life. His best friend. He wouldn’t trade right now for the world. 

_ Do you deserve him? _ Iwa frowns, eyebrows creasing lightly, still drowsy from last night’s sleep.  _ He’s so good to you, and what are you?  _ Iwa was loud, brash, aggressive and he could be downright mean. But that had never bothered Oikawa before? Iwa pushed the thoughts down and kissed the tip of Oikawa’s nose ever so lightly. He would be nicer for a while. Maybe he had been especially rude these past few days.

Iwa rose from his bed and started making pancakes. The voice was silent. 

\-- five days after the break up -- 

Someone is banging on his door. It’s loud. It makes Iwa’s head hurt. He’s drowsy even though he just woke up, so he grabs for the water on his desk and sips it lightly.  _ Keep laying in bed. Don’t get the door _ . Iwa doesn’t get the door. The banging continues, and he hears muffled speaking outside. 

“Iwa!” Someone calls his name. Is that Bokuto? What is he doing at his apartment complex? “You haven’t heard  _ anything _ from him in five days?” 

“He hasn’t spoken to anyone. I talked to his mom, and she hasn’t heard from him either,” Oikawa’s voice was so distinct. He was here too then. Iwa stared at the ceiling of his room numbly.  _ You’re a disgrace, making them come all the way out here. Don’t get the door _ . He picks at a scab on his arm. His body was littered with scratches that he had carved into his skin the night before. Nothing deep. “Hajime! Please open up! Are you sick? I’m sorry about how I reacted!”  _ He’s apologizing. Look what you’ve done. You made him feel like he has to be sorry _ . “If you don’t open up, I’m coming in anyway! I still have your house key, Iwa-chan!” 

Everything freezes.  _ He has the house key. He’s gonna see me. He can’t. He can’t see me. They’re gonna know _ . His head hurts so bad, and he’s scared. What have I done? How did I let this happen? The door clicks open and Iwa holds his breath. “Are you sure he’s home, Oikawa?” Akaashi asks faintly. “Those dishes look days old.”

“Where else would he be, Akaashi?” Oikawa snaps. He pauses, and footsteps near Iwa’s door quickly. “Sorry. I’m really worried. If he’s not in here, should we call the police?” The doorknob to his bedroom starts to turn, and Iwa sits up. 

\-- one month before the break up --

“Hey,” Oikawa says to him. They’re on the couch together, and Iwa turns his head to make eye contact. “You know I love you, right?”

“I love you too, dumbass,” Iwa rolls his eyes.  _ He doesn’t love you. He’s just saying that _ . 

“You can tell me anything, okay?” Oikawa hesitates to say that, seemingly waiting on the idea.  _ He knows. You’re in for it now. He figured out your dirty little secret.  _

  
“Yeah,” Iwa agrees hesitantly. “You too.” Iwa ignores the conversation, trying to control his breathing. In and out, in and out. 

“You’re my world, Hajime.” 

\-- five days after the break up -- 

The door continues to creak open, light spilling into Iwa’s room. He blinks, staring back at the three people who are in his house, wondering if this is real. It can’t be real. If it was, Iwa would have spent the last five days in bed, getting up to pee and get water. He wouldn’t have eaten. He would have slept for hours on end. He would look like garbage and probably smell kinda bad too. This whole thing wasn’t real. 

“Iwa-chan?” He stares blankly back at Oikawa, staring at his own hands and then back at his boyfriend (ex-boyfriend). This wasn’t real. “Are you...have you-”

Oikawa looks like he’s about to break down, and Iwa wonders momentarily if this dream version of Oikawa was as soft as the real one. “Have you eaten?” Akaashi takes over. “Over the past five days, have you eaten?”  _ Congratulations, you’re dying _ . Iwa winces at that. He doesn’t trust his own voice, so he shakes his head. He couldn’t stand up if he wanted to, his body would collapse. “Call the hospital” Akaashi commands Bokuto, and Bokuto leaves without a question. 

“I-” Oikawa is sobbing silently into his hands. Iwa is  _ so sorry _ . He’s so sorry. He did this. 

“Go with Bokuto,” Akaashi mutters at Oikawa. “I’ll stay here. You should get out of the room, okay?” Oikawa shakes his head intensely. 

“I’m done letting him leave,” Oikawa chokes out, sitting on Iwa’s bed stubbornly. He looks at Iwa again and bites the inside of his lip. Iwa looks down at his hands again and flinches when Oikawa grabs his wrist and looks over the marks on his arms. “Did you do this?” He asks Iwa, his voice is strained, and Iwa nods without thinking much about it. “Why didn’t you  _ tell _ me, Iwa-chan?”

Oikawa sounds so broken, and Iwa realizes painfully that the touch on his arm is constant and warm. It’s real life. His reality crashes in on him for a second, and he touches at his cheeks as tears stream down without him trying. “I’m sorry.” He garbles out, a sob ripping out from his voice. Sometime during their conversation, Akaashi has left the room, probably trying to give them privacy. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m-”

“We’re gonna get better, okay?” Oikawa tells him, brushing away the wetness from Iwa’s eyes. “We’re gonna get help. This time, we’ll be better.”

\-- three weeks after that --

Today was the day Iwa finally got to leave the hospital, having been put into a psych ward for his passive suicide attempt. Which is what it was, apparently. Iwa had learned a lot in the hospital. Oikawa had visited him every day after practice, and more so on weekends. At first, he was really sad. He beat himself up about what happened to Iwa as if he, himself, had caused it. 

After lots of therapy (begrudging therapy), they had realized that it was no one’s fault. “These kinds of things happen to the chemicals in our brains,” the therapist tells them, and Oikawa squeezes Iwa’s hand. “Neither of you did anything to make this happen.” 

There had been lots of talks about why. “Why didn’t you ask me for help? Why didn’t you tell anyone?” Iwa had a hard time explaining. It’s not that he didn’t want Oikawa to know, he just felt bad adding to his daily stresses. “That’s stupid, Iwa-chan. I love you. Your problems are my problems, my problems are yours.” So they would tell each other more, and set better boundaries and  _ be better _ . 

The doctors explained that Iwa had suffered from a nervous breakdown, and while they thought it would be best to monitor him and put him on minimal medication, they assured him he was high functioning. He should be ok, with support. And Oikawa sure had a lot of that, ever the doting boyfriend. Speaking of the devil, Iwa’s favorite setter had picked him up from the hospital excitedly, still wearing his uniform. He pressed a loving kiss to Iwa’s lips and wrapped him in a tight hug - Iwa sighed in relief. “You’re still an idiot, Oikawa. None of this changes that.”

“Wouldn’t have it any other way, Iwa-chan,” Oikawa assured him, smelling like home. “I love you.”

“Yeah,” Iwa agreed. “You do, don’t you?

**Author's Note:**

> this is a vent fic, and im sorry lmao! if you do read this, lmk what you think. this is based off my own experience with depression and anxiety! leave a comment and a kudos if you so desire!


End file.
